


Family

by Rigels_Nigels



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Deceit and Remus aren't really in this but they're heavily referenced, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Slaps virgil, They also aren't as nice as they could be, This bad boy can fit so much self projection, panic attack tw, probably, tell me if i need to add any tw, the poor dear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 03:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20464274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rigels_Nigels/pseuds/Rigels_Nigels
Summary: Virgil has a lot of feelings. Some good, some bad, some he just doesn't understand, but maybe, that's okay, because things take time.





	Family

He hated this, hated how he would be fine one moment and the next he'd be filled with dread. It would start in the pit of his stomach and grow through him like a poison.

<strike>what if that's why he feels so bad, what if he ate poison, oh god what if he has salmonella or something oh _god_</strike>

After the dread comes the vague numbness. The feeling of nothingness. Light enough to not really be a bother but still there, a warning of what's to come.

Then there's the itchiness inside his lungs, something that never fails to make everything _worse_, make him panic _more_. That is probably the third thing he hates about this.

The second being, well, he wasn't quite sure how to describe it, other than An Experience.

A horrible one. 0/10 he wishes he would never feel it again. But he would. And he hates it.

The thing he hates most was how _wrong_ he feels. Like his physical self and his spiritual self were just slightly off. It was like an itch he couldn't scratch, but it wasn't even an itch it just, felt so _wrong_.

When they first started happening he was terrified. Granted that's kinda its whole deal but, he had no idea what they were, what was happening, he thought he was _dying_ the first few times. When he realized he wasn't, <strike>there was still that fear, that what if,</strike> they became a bit more tolerable, but that wasn't saying much. He settled on screaming, crying, slamming himself against the walls, and putting on his headphones and blasting his music as loud as he could in the hopes it would drown everything out. He had to say, it helped a bit. Unpleasant but just a bit more bearable.

Then Deceit found out. He had helped, giving him suggestions of things to do, strategies to help him cope, taught him the piano, it was surprisingly sweet of him, considering he could be rather... mean was one way to put it. Now when he felt that itchiness in his lungs, the wrongness in his belly, he would go and play piano. Most of the time it worked, he was able to focus on that, play away his feelings, but sometimes it didn't, and he would resort to other methods. Either way, he was doing better, much better, than before.

Of course, as soon as he thinks he gets a handle on things it all goes to shit.

He and Deceit had had a fight -Remus certainly didn't help with that- and things had ended off rather... badly. He thought that was an understatement but eh. It was the final straw for him, he was just, tired of all this fighting, the bitterness, not being able to tell what Deceit meant, how passive aggressive he was, he had a whole list, and _Remus_! Oh don't even get him started! Just, his very existence stressed him out! He had enough trouble with his own thoughts jumping to conclusions and making up possibilities that might be real he had no idea but better safe then sorry <strike>dead</strike>! And then he comes along spouting disgusting morbid horrifying thoughts that ended up triggering either some paranoid spiral or an attack.

Suffice to say, he _really_ didn't like him.

Anyway, long story short he was more or less giving them the silent treatment now, deciding to talk to the other sides just to spite them.

It was hard. It was oh so _hard_. They hated him, hated him completely and horribly and it just made everything so much harder. But he refused to back down, to go crawling back for support. He didn't want to hear that mocking croon from Deceit, let alone his backhanded compliments and comforts. He wasn't even going to _think_ about Remus.

It was hard and it was horrible but, it was so so _worth_ it. Eventually he gained their trust and, even if they fought still, there was something there that they, the "dark sides", didn't have. He didn't know what it was but it was nice, comforting, made him feel warm inside.

Ever since he was finally accepted things have felt lighter, easier, he wasn't having as many attacks, and the ones he did have were easier to deal with. The others helped with that too, offering distractions and things to occupy his mind other than the usual sludging dread. It was so nice, and he was _happy_!

But...

Some nights, he would still feel so _alone_, missing the dark sides, the moments that they had together, hell, even Remus. He missed them. Missed the nights they would spend together, watching movies, making fun of said movies, the occasional food fight that Remus would of course start (except for the times _he_ started it), how excited Deceit would look while talking about his snakes, or when they would duet, he missed it all.

He shouldn't miss them, he thinks, he's far better off without them, far _happier_ and more healthy and less _afraid_ without them. So why does he miss them? Sure they had some good moments but, the bad far outweighed the good.

Deceit could be very particular about things, and sure, no big deal, except those things constantly changed, sometimes multiple times within the same day! And his attitude, you make one small mistake and for the next few days he'd be harping on you for it, <strike>piano was both the best and worst for this.</strike> Even speaking weirdly could earn you his ire, and it was exhausting to have to watch his every word.

And then Remus, he could be fun, sure, indulge in ideas that even _he_ liked, ideas he knew the Roman wouldn't dare even look at. But most of the time, those ideas would make him feel sick to his stomach, make him even more afraid and paranoid about things than he usually was. Of course, the argument could be made that it wasn't actually paranoia if it could very well happen to you and knowing Remus, it could.

The constant vigilance he was in, having to watch for any of Remus' ideas gone loose or his tone when talking to Deceit, it wore on him, and he can clearly say he doesn't miss that, but still.

He was torn.

And each time they show themselves, shooting subtle references and jarbs at him, that conflicted feeling rises up. Comfortable familiarity and seething resentment.

<strike>And a hint of guilt</strike>

Almost a year passes since he left them and he still hasn't figured out why he feels that way but it's okay. He has time. And he has the others, the light sides.

His new family.

It's during this time, watching Coco with everyone that he realizes just what that thing was, that the light sides have that the dark sides don't.

Crushed inbetween a merrily singing Roman and a softly smiling Logan, he realizes that thing was trust.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading  
Please do leave a comment if you liked this in any way, it makes me more eager to write. I'll gladly take keysmashes.


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